I haven't been on social media for a while as you may have noticed. I've never been really great at pretense and pretending not to be scared $h!†|3$$... well, I just couldn't do it. Instead I've been avoiding pretty much everyone!
But, yesterday, after more than 48 hours of not eating, enduring a prep twice as long as "normal colon owners" get I went in for my second ever colonoscopy and came out PERFECT! No tumors and not even a polyp (is it just me, or is there something about that word that makes you cringe?).
They used general anesthesia that left me sick all day yesterday, but today I feel great! I have a few other scary things to get through, but maybe this is a good omen? I am feeling optimistic that it is.
So, if you have been putting off your colonoscopy here are the top 10 reasons you should change your mind.
1. During your prep, you get total control of movie/TV choices. Nobody will come into the bathroom and tell you they want to watch something else!
2. You will lose at least 5 pounds in 24 hours... it's the ultimate crash diet.
3. Unless you've been living under a rock, you know March is Colonoscopy Month and what better way to celebrate?
4. If you draw a funny picture on your butt, you can brighten the day of many medical staff. If you're not married to an illustrator, you can write something funny instead. My backside was fully decorated and everyone loved it! (A 48 hour prep is a looooong time to get creative!) Here's a few you can borrow.
"25¢ a peek."
"I'm the only one here not full of crap"
"The rest of you @$$h0le$ can relax, it's my turn."
"I swallowed a nickle as a kid. If you find it, I want it back."
"Please keep in mind, brown nosing and butt kissing will get you nowhere with me."
"Insert coin here."
"We barely just met and you want to do what? OK, but don't let the photos go public."
5. You might get a "free" tattoo. I did on my first time round and am told it still looks great!
6. You get to eat lots of jello and candy. This might sound terrible, and it is until you realize you can torture your children who think it seems delicious. Here's what to do, dish up a plate with jello, then a large serving of Jolly Ranchers and a serving of gummy bears. Add a glass of Crystal Light and sit down to eat dinner with the family. Use utensils and eat right in front of them. Priceless!
7. "Free" hospital socks. I'm sporting them right now. Soft and non-slip!
8. At least one day of no house work. You simply cannot clean the kitchen from the toilet, I don't care how long your arms are.
9. At least one day of no cooking. Trust me, they won't want you to prepare their food.
10. Ummm, there's got to be one more reason. Hmmmm, let's see.... how about potentially saving your life?
In all seriousness, my family has been dramatically impacted by colon cancer. It is one of the most treatable cancers, if found early. It offers no advance notice, warning or indication. Please don't put off your screenings! And, if you have a family history of colon cancer, talk to your doctor even if you think you are too young for a colonoscopy. Not to sound trite, but it really could save your life.
That is all... I'm off to eat lots of food now!
